I am a Bowie. So what
exactly does that mean? It means that I am by definition, a
musician. I thrived in choir at a very young age, performing often and
singing many solos and duets at school and in church. I grew up watching
my sister, aunt, and grandfather sing specials on Sundays. I helped my
Dad when he played drums by shaking the tambourine or eggs. My
grandmother even worked in my church’s music department. It is no
surprise then that with my last name, everyone expected me to be an exceptional
musician, just like everyone else in my family. I thought music would be
easy and come naturally, but I lost confidence in the gifts the Lord had given
me and forgot how Jesus sees me. So here is where my story begins!
The Start of a Spiritual War
Throwdown was the name of my
sister’s first band. She was incredible! I loved sneaking up to
youth group to watch her lead worship. This was when I first discovered
my love of Hillsong United (of course!) and my desire to one day lead worship
just like her. When I was old enough to attend youth as a sixth grader, I
asked if I could sing in the band. I was finally scheduled as the female
vocalists and loved being able to lead others in worship! If this is
something you haven’t experienced, there is really nothing like it! It is
an opportunity to passionately praise the Lord and encourage others to take up
a similar posture of worship through song. Unfortunately, I was only
scheduled four more times, all four of which my microphone was turned off
because “backup vocalists are not meant to be heard.” I did not realize
it then, but this was the beginning of my insecurity, and later obsession, with
being “good enough” at music and living up to my family name. During the
next few years, I taught myself chords on the keyboard, changed churches so I
could lead worship, switched back to my home church to be with my family, and
then eventually moved to South Carolina for school.
Insecurities Take Root
In college, I found a church
I came to love and cherish, and guess what? When I asked to lead worship,
they obliged!! And this was no ordinary church. This was a
megachurch, which means I had to be good, right? Well, I led at the youth
group and occasionally on Sundays for one semester before I was no longer
scheduled. I came back after the summer to a whole new rotation of
vocalists and musicians, most of whom did not know I was once “in the band,”
and therefore treated me as if I wasn’t part of their group. Instead of
leading worship, I was given the opportunity to assist the worship director.
I put in more than 15 hours a week during an 18 hour rigorous course
load, all under the impression that I would one day be scheduled again.
My confidence was riding on whether I was "good enough" to lead at
this church. This caused my obsession with being better to build, and
quite honestly, instilled a deep bitterness in my heart. But I loved the
church and wanted to see it thrive, so I joyously served in whatever capacity
they needed. This new position allowed me to be with the band but not a
part of them, leading also to a sense of loneliness and an even greater desire
to fit in. When I wasn’t working for the church or doing schoolwork, I
was in the music building. I would sometimes go four or five times a week
for as long as three hours at a time. My latest progress report from the
church was that I “had great vibrato and tone, but didn’t sound confident
enough to sing with the band, but I should keep trying,” so back to the music
building I went. Right before I stopped working with the band, I was
given false hope and told to talk with another band member about leading at
youth again. The guy simply ignored my emails (for three weeks until I
sent a third follow up email that I was no longer interested) and even our
conversation when I attempted to talk with him face to face. This was
the same year that lacking proper connections and friendships led to my
rejection in an additional singing group, one that had asked me to join without even auditioning the previous year. After this incident, I decided
to give up music forever and quit all my associations with it. Well, all
but FCA where I was still leading worship because I was the only keyboardist
and female vocalist at the time. God knew what He was doing to eventually
grow my faith.
Returning to Worship
In January (two years after
my declaration to quit), I made the difficult decision to leave my church and
start attending Summit Church. Let me tell you, I love love love Summit
with all my heart and wish I had attended there my entire time at Wofford.
But then I guess I wouldn’t have this faith story, would I? I
immediately got plugged in and “adopted” by a family who happened to both be
worship leaders at the church and music lovers. Crazy, I know! When
my adoptive dad found out I led worship at my old church, he asked me if I was
interested in singing at Summit. I kindly told him no, and that I was no
longer involved with worship. Well, I actually said I was "taking a
break" but I had no real intention of returning. As previously
mentioned, I was still singing and playing the keyboard at FCA, but I hated
it! Every time I sang, all I heard was a voice that wasn’t good
enough. I was so insecure in my abilities that my voice often came out as
shaky and on the verge of tears. That’s why I was so surprised when a
friend asked me to sing at his wedding because his fiancée heard me sing and
liked my voice. My first instinct was to say no, but for some reason I
committed. I spent most of the summer leading up to their wedding
practicing chords and potential songs. They had asked if I would play
keys as well, but I decided at the last minute that just my vocals and the
guitarist was best (mainly because I continued to wallow in insecurity).
It was during rehearsal with the guitarist, when I was so adamant about
everything sounding perfect, that I realized I had lost all joy of singing and
forgot the actual meaning of worship. Remember that feeling of
unexplainable joy and passion I talked about? Well that was gone.
The guitarist’s reassurance that everything was going to be ok and to calm down
is what redirected me to the meaning of worship. On August 1, 2015, I sang
at the wedding confidently and with a spirit of worship for the first time in
three years. And guess what? I didn’t even get nervous!!
I later found out that their guests even thought we were professionals the
bride and groom hired. I was finally returning to the meaning of worship
and resting in the Lord's promises.
God’s Faithfulness
When I returned to Wofford
later that month, I talked to my adoptive dad and told him I was ready to lead
worship again if they would have me. He scheduled me to sing, and I led
with a renewed soul. The passion was back! With a new
guitarist at FCA, I decided I would quit piano (again due to my low
self-confidence in keys) and focus on singing. The day I packed up my
keyboard is the same day I was asked to play piano and lead worship at youth
group. God sure did show me that His plans are better than mine. I
remember laughing at the timing of it all, knowing God had some purpose for me
to continue playing the keyboard. The next time I was scheduled to lead
worship on a Sunday, the pianist had to cancel the day before. I offered
to play just the one Sunday, explaining that I am not very good and can only
play chords, and have been scheduled on keys ever since. One of the
reasons I love my church is that I am constantly encouraged to try new
things and to get out of my comfort zone. They are even supportive when I
mess up! Looking back at all the pain and self-doubt, I am still amazed
at and forever grateful for God’s faithfulness. I did not know His plans,
but He never gave up on me. He continued pursuing me, even when I
believed the lies of the Enemy and of people. At my old church, I had put
all my worth in what the band thought. And guess what? The same
thing that happened to me had happened to a handful of other worship leaders who now lead at other campuses.
I wasn't alone! And while I know the band did not have cruel
intentions (well, most of them anyway), it did take me a long time to arrive at
a point of forgiveness. And I do still support my old church, knowing
that their ministry is still saving lives. I hated the experiences I had
of being hurt, but I don’t think I would change it. Without those
moments, I would not have this faith story to share and wouldn’t lead worship
with near as much passion as I do now. I have even been given the
opportunity to do music ministry in Paris!! I guess it’s a good thing the
Lord encouraged me to keep up with piano, an instrument with a universal
language. I love that my story of music and my road to healing has
allowed me to tangibly experience the Lord’s presence and shows me that God is
a good Father who wants good things for His children. As I recently read
in Levi Lusko’s book, “if you don’t get impatient, His plans will become
increasingly apparent to you…He is present but invisible.” The Lord does not forget His people and even when life seems difficult, there is some purpose that He is waiting to reveal all to the glory of His name.
“If we are faithless, He
remains faithful- for He cannot deny Himself.” -2 Timothy 2:13
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